Authentic Masculinity

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So what really constitutes “toxic masculinity”? Perhaps, Toxic masculinity is the most relevant, most pertinent distinction in this global cultural conversation. Toxic masculinity in many ways underlies the source of the #Metoo revolution.

Apparently, well-intentioned Oscar-Winning actor Meryl Streep doesn’t know what toxic masculinity is in the eyes of the ‘socially enlightened’, who mercilessly dismissed her. Meryl voiced her perspective that she didn’t think that men are inherently or predisposed as bad, just because they are men.

Granted, Meryl spoke in “tricky territory”, where if you don’t speak with a complete understanding of the topic, and possess 4 Ph.D’s you’re considered an ignorant fool, perhaps even social pariah. Come on!

Have compassion for others, people. Jesus said, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone…” No one is without sin. Certainly, no one is perfect.

New York Times writer Maya Salam attempted to define “toxic masculinity” from the perspective of the American Psychological Association (APA) in “What is Toxic Masculinity?” After all, the APA should know. Rather, they’re definitely credible.

Maya wrote her article in response to Gillette’s paradigm-altering TV commercial – “We Believe: The Best Men Can Be”. The commercial spot was both lauded and vilified on the Internet. That was expected, given the polarizing nature of the subject.

No, no one can justify the actions of those men who assault and abuse others, particularly women, because they deem themselves entitled greater than their victims. To be completely transparent, that behavior is repugnant and has no place in our society.

I believe that the volatility lies in the source or the inherent blame for this reprehensible behavior. Perhaps, in the bigger picture it’s all very human.

The American Psychological Association (APA) released the “first-ever guidelines” for clinicians working with boys and men in how they conform to “traditional masculine ideology”. At issue: How does one develop into a man? More clearly: How does one become a good man?

Researchers define “toxic masculinity” as a set of behaviors that include the following:

Suppressing emotions or masking distress
Maintaining an appearance of hardness
Violence as an indicator of power (i.e. being a tough guy)

So basically, the APA’s working definition for “toxic masculinity” is the “tough guy” paradigm. More substantially, the APA linked behavior to “aggression and violence”. Any sign of “weakness” condemns the man to something considered less than, considered “feminine”. That’s a vital and useful distinction. And that hits too close to home, at least for me.

I’m from the tail end of the Baby Boomer generation, where if you were a boy, you were taught to “suck it up”. “Cowboy up.” “Be a man!” Whatever, the hell that really meant at the time. It was the inbred ’macho’ mindset. It was homophobic culture. It was without compassion for others.

Back in my all-boys private high school, I’d utter the other f-word so I could look cool or be better than others. I didn’t stop to think about the young gay kid, who feared in just being himself. I wasn’t just young and stupid, I was unkind. For that I’m sorry for what I did. Hopefully, I’ve become the greater man for that lesson.

I’m also Sansei, 3rd generation Japanese American, which by design and heritage is male-dominant culture. It’s also a loosely based Samurai culture, which can be misinterpreted as “super male” and ‘Old School’ warrior culture.

Yet, among the “8 Samurai Virtues” is Compassion. I’ve dedicated 30 years of my life studying the martial art of Aikido. Aikido Founder O-Sensei reinvented what it really meant to be a warrior: “The Way of the Warrior is to give life to all things, to reconcile the world, and to foster the completion of everyone’s journey.”

We give life. As a martial artist, I do my best to protect those weaker. That should be all our fucking job.

Fortunately, I discovered Sensei Dan in my Aikido training. Growing up as I did at home, where Dad terrified me, his voice became mine over the years: “Jon, you’re weak!” “I’m no good.”

Initially, I got into Aikido to prove: I’m not weak. I can be a Man – the Man, I thought my dad wanted me to be. With Sensei he always told me, “Just train.” “Wait it out.” Sensei only asked me to be the greater version of myself. He saw the greater than within me, that I didn’t at the time.

With Sensei, I didn’t have to be someone else. I could be just me. Be my authentic self, imperfection and all. And who I was, was a good man.

In terms of toxic masculinity, coming to terms with it is simple. Yet, simple doesn’t translate as easy. Toxic masculinity represents the darker side of my humanity. Our existence is in Yin and Yang, in the balance of light and dark. I balance my unkindness with compassion. I balance my intolerance with actually trying to get others, what it’s like to be them. I have to give up being right, being righteous.

Over the years I got that gentleness and kindness define a man. The true power of a man lies in the power of his tears. As good men, we must have heart. As good men, we must heal and forgive ourselves. In that way, we can make a profound difference in the world.

Making a difference for others honors our human design. Toxic masculinity may always exist. Yet, it’s our job to be the best version of ourselves. And that just takes practice. Amen. Amen.
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Have you read the original anthology that was the catalyst for The Good Men Project? Buy here: The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood